Frustrated.

I am so frustrated with where I am in my life at the moment. I feel like I'm working hard and making the right steps but I'm just not getting to where I want to be. I've made a concerted effort at focusing on the positive and trying to just keep my head up.. but God... it gets really tough some times trying to keep up the act. Sometimes you just need a little outside encouragement, or maybe just a good vent on a blog? Who knows. I guess I just want to state the obvious: It's hard staying positive when you don't feel it.

30 before 30

I just found this... forgot to post 5 months ago!!!


It's official. I'm already starting to fear my birthday..... I've never really dreaded or been ashamed of birthdays so this is something new for me. In my defense though, 27 has always been my 'scary' age. Screw 40. By then you have already been 30, 35 and 39! 40 is nothing. 27 though.... 27 is the top of the hill. From there it's all just old age. 27 means you are officially in your "late twenties". You should have your shit together. You should be getting things all figured out. 27 is where it's at..... ohhh 27!!!

Maybe I'm feeling all this anxiety because I don't feel like I have everything together... I'm just.... not there yet. (in my own mind)

So I want to be fully prepared for my 27th birthday. By this, I mean I want to get my freak out in ahead of time, figure out my bucket list of sorts, and then thank God that I still have 3 years to do them before I turn 30. So here it goes... 30 things before 30

1. Get into a job I want as my career.
2. Live in another big city✔
3. Maintain my ideal weight
4. Participate in a tough mudder
5. Get SCUBA certified   ✔
6. Learn to play the Harmonica
7. Speak a second language fluently
8. NYE somewhere fantastic
9. Ride an elephant (Did better. Also learned that riding is harmful as it supports the tourism industry that keeps the elephants out of their natural environment)
10. Paint regularly
11. Learn how to operate my camera ✔
12. Master photoshop✔
13. Yoga ✔
14. Run in a Half Marathon  ✔
15. Europe. Somewhere.
16. S. America, more.
17. Date someone worth dating
18. Visit Jon
19. Grow Arnold's Candies ✔
20. Leave Arnold's Candies ✔
21. Figure out the Stock Market
22. Buy some Stock
23. Survive a summer without laying out.. at all. ✔
24. Ski again, I'm over snowboarding. ✔
25. Less meat. daily.
26. Apply to a masters program.... I think... .... We'll see where this current venture takes me.
27. Volunteer.
28. Visit Erica ✔
29. Purchase a sweet new lens. ✔
30. Lasik?

Photography

After many years of loving photography and always wishing I could be a part of the photography world, I finally decided to quit wishing and just do it! After getting my first "beginners" professional grade camera I started just shooting anything. After a few months of work, I think I'm finally starting to get the hang of it! I still have a lot to learn, but I will keep working on it.  I found a great blog that I read for helpful tips "clickitupanotch". This month they are having a photo contest, so I figured I'd give it a shot! Check out my first photo entry :) After that please check out my website - www.candystickphotography.com

Stereotypes

*Note: I just found this note which I had intended to post back in August..

One thing I have really enjoyed about living abroad has been meeting people from different cultural backgrounds, and really trying to get to know those people and connect with them on some sort of common ground. It's been fun, easy, difficult, annoying, interesting, but most of all: a learning experience that I'll never forget. I always hoped that once I got the chance to visit foreign places and met the people from these places that I've heard so much about, that the stereotypes I've heard would be proved wrong and I'd get to know the 'better' side of that culture. And... there is always a better side! Always. There are amazing, great people from everywhere in the world. However, every country in the world also has a citizen who is completely 'A-typical' and is the case in point reason for all of the stereotypes that have been cast for that culture (I mean they had to have been formulated from somewhere, someone, right?) Let me list a few horrible generalizations with which I have come in first hand contact with:

Americans: Fat. Loud; Closed minded; Think the world revolves around them.
British: Bad teeth; Pompous.
French: Arrogant, Nationalists
German: Mechanical; No sense of humor.
Italians: 'Slimey' men; Manipulative
Greeks: Arrogant; Proud; Lazy
Chinese: Bad drivers; No sense of personal space, Idiot savants.
Scots: Drunks
Canadians: Submissive.
Polish: Intolerant; Neurotic
Russian: Aggressive; Rude
Dutch: Direct, in your face.

Please note that I listed my own culture (American) because I don't want to come off like a complete bigot and asshole. I want to stress the point that every country has their stereotypes. Every country has citizens who cause these stereotypes to form.

The whole point to this is... comprehending stereotypes, accepting the particular culturally different person, and looking deeper into the society for the better. It's been such a journey for me meeting people from all walks of life. Some of those people have been an absolute joy, and others have been a little more difficult to connect with from the beginning. But with a little time and self reflection, I've realized that we all have our "faults". There are geographical, cultural, and religious reasons for these "faults".... but we all also have our strengths. Every person and culture has a beautiful side to them, you just have to be patient and curious enough to experience it.

AND ALSO! ... You have to continuously work on your own "faults"... becoming more self-aware is a journey in itself. And if I was a better writer, I could have tied that into this post with eloquence... but I'm not, so you just get a footnote. :-P

Shanghai List

Writing a list of things I'll miss and such. Why? Cause I feel like it...

• Ayi. What am I going to do without a cleaning lady that will do everything from washing and ironing my clothes to collecting and paying all my bills, all for the price of 3 bucks an hour? Seriously, spoiled!
• The food. Not necessarily Chinese food.... But the restaurant scene in Shanghai is amazing. There is always a new place to discover, and the cuisines to choose from are from all over the World. You can choose from street food, xinjiang, hunan, sichuan, french, german, american, australian, thai, mexican, korean, veitnamese, japanese, italian, indian, I could go on!  Mmmm I <3 the food in Shanghai. 
• Riding my bike in the city. It's so fun! 
• Courier Services. Free flights to random cities in the world with only 12 hour notices? Amazing experience. 
• Volleyball. 
• Living in an International Community. I now have friends from all walks of life and i'm so grateful for them! It's been an amazing experience.  
• Fruit stands - going to miss buying my lychee breakfasts for dirt cheap every morning!
• Fabric market. Even though I hate bargaining and sometimes getting completely screwed over, I really do love going to the market, picking out the fabric, and designing myself what I want to get made!
• Weekend Brunches.  
• Weekend pool days. 
• The insane amount of days off work. Seriously, people.. China does one thing right: holidays. 2 weeks off for Chinese New Years, 1 week off for National Holiday, and various other days throughout the year! PLUS.. being an expat, I get all the US holidays off work as well. It was amazing. 
• Nights in with Kellie. A workout, coldstone, indian food + a movie. Perfection.
• Nights out with Gaux. Late night at 88 for some crazy dancing? Yes please! 
• Speaking of: 88. I will miss you ba shi ba! My liver won't.. but my heart will.
• Dinners with Jeremie. Love our catch up sessions with massages and dinners! 
• Boxing with Jenna. An amazing workout buddy! 
• Random hangover days with Phil, and McSnooshie's in the morning :-P
• Story time with JAFM. 
• Ryan the Bartender. He's made me fall in love with far too many cocktails! 
• All of my friends. 

I will NOT miss...

• The incessant hawking and spitting. ... learn some manners people.
• Getting coughed and sneezed on. Nobody quite understands covering their face over here. :( 
• The Chinese Squat. I just don't like it. 
• Getting ready in the dark bc the fuse in my apartment blows way too frequently! 
• The Stank... Shanghai is really stinky.
• Pollution... I'm very, VERY excited to see blue skies and puffy white clouds. Also, to run outside again and not fear for all the exhaust I inhale. 
• Applying for Visa's
• 24 hour McDonalds delivery. I can't wait to not have this option at my disposal! Waking up to mcdonalds bags after a night of debauchery may be the worst feeling ever!  
• The lack of shoe shopping.
• The locker room at the gym. I have seen far too (ridiculously) hairy cha cha's for an entire lifetime. Seriously people, at least trim that shaz! And since when did using towels to dry off become a thing of the past!?? If I have to walk by someone blow-drying their cha cha dry one more time... I might pass out and die. 
• The lack of customer service. Everywhere. 
• Ordering fish/or prawn for dinner and having the entire fish or prawn, scales, head, and all be delivered. I went out to eat for a reason: so I didn't have to do any of the work, please be-head the fish before serving it to me. 
• The lack of diapers. If I have to see one more baby shit on the side of the street......... 
• Idiot cab drivers.
• One way thinking.
• Absurd Construction, all the time. 

One chapter closing, another about to begin.

I can't believe I'm actually making the official move away from Shanghai. It's strange to say that, as when I first left the States that is exactly what I thought about leaving there. I remember being terrified to move to a completely foreign country with no concrete plan ahead of me. But from what I've learned: you adapt. And that's exactly what I did. Now three years later, I'm completely terrified all over again. A new chapter in my life is about to begin.


I never thought I'd be scared to move home. How backwards is that? But I am. I'm nervous for a million reasons, and not just the obvious ones:  No job, no money, no car, no plans, are all just the tip of the ice-burgh. Culture shock is a real thing, and so is reverse-culture shock. I think I'm most nervous for that. I like to refer back to my favorite lecture from a professor of mine back in college... an excerpt: 


"There is a story that I like to tell my students about a fish in a fishbowl.  There is a way in which a fish swimming around in a fishbowl knows nothing at all about water.  Because water is so much a part of the fish’s life.  It is surrounded by water.  It is embedded in water.  In that sense, the fish does not really know water.  If you want the fish to really understand water, you have to take the fish out of the fishbowl and say, “Look, that’s water.”  Now…if you put the fish back in…the water never looks the same again.  Well, in a certain sense, we’ve all been taken out of our fishbowls.  You have been out of your fishbowl for 3½  months.  Now you have to go back."

But even though I'm scared and nervous for the new chapter to begin, one thing I have learned and am sure about is: I'll adapt.